I know I said “Part II” of my post about anger was coming, but God’s teaching me something that I couldn’t ignore.
I sat down to this post-creating page a few times trying to start the follow-up post from a few weeks ago, but my current problems and longings kept getting in the way, so I figured I should write about them. I’m not going to try to make a fancy, interest-piquing introduction for this post. I’m going to just jump right into it, simply because it’s not something I can ease into. Quite frankly, I’m unhappy.
Unhappiness for me is nothing new. Like I said in my first post, I experience it regularly on a depressing level. I’m such a pessimist. The glass is half empty. I’m really not good at counting blessings and being satisfied with them. In fact, even when the glass has liquid up to the three-quarter mark, I’m not always one to say it’s almost full – that thing’s still a quarter empty.
Because of recent changes in my life, my dreams have remained dreams and my new pursuits are not what I ever expected to have. Next to that, a project I had put much time and effort and love into that I used as my personal service to God has been taken from me. And because that and other pursuits that have failed, the fear has entered my mind that I have done nothing worthwhile or lasting with my life, that what I thought I was doing for God was all meaningless and futile.
Looking at my uselessness, my lost causes, and my empty plans, I want to throw my hands in the air and say, “Whatever, God.”
(Ecclesiastes is my favorite book of the Bible. Could you have guessed that?)
As a result, a few questions have been reoccurring in my mind. What is going on? Why? What is my purpose here? Am I alone? What is the point of this? Can I go back to how it was? What am I supposed to do next?
What is God teaching me? Just what I as a rebellious, adulterous, prideful sinner need to be retaught again and again. I am not alone, and I can’t live alone – I can’t live without Him. I can almost hear Him saying, “Why are you going to other people all the time for help? Why haven’t you talked to Me in a while? I miss you, My love. I’ve always loved you, and I’ve always known your deepest thoughts. Don’t you know I’m all you need?”
At the end of the day, it’s just me and Him.
What do I mean? Well, I can tell however many wise and loving people I want what is troubling me. I can try to push through or fall into self-pity as much as I like, I can wait for it to pass. I can find endless ways to deal with my hurt, but none of those ways will fully heal it. When I finally have gone through all of those ways and have finally figured it out, God will always be there, ever-reliable, ever-strong, ever-loving. At the end of my string of failed attempts at coping, He will be waiting as He always had to show me His love and providence. All I need to do is surrender my pride and let Him take care of the life I pledged as His to control.
He completely understands my pain. He sympathizes, He holds me, and when He promises it will be for the best, I can believe it because He is God. Even though it’s tempting to think that “all I have left is God” – like the glass is half empty and instead of gaining everything, I’ve lost all I had and He’s my last resort – I need to realize that before anything else, I have His companionship.
And God is helping me to learn that His companionship is everything I need. I fight His sufficiency. I struggle away from His arms and look to my friends for help. If I don’t get enough from them, I look to myself and tell myself I can deal with it. When I find everything else fails me, that friends aren’t enough and my independence will fail, I find myself in a place where His whisper is hard to hear. But when I seek it, His presence couldn’t be clearer. Everything else fades away.
“Just sit with Me. Trust Me. I’m enough. I love you.”
All that’s left is just me and Him.